這篇小說其實應該寫在2009年的11月11日，它有著很獨特的意義，它是我人生裡，第一篇寫的英文小說。
當然，在寫作能力上，我英文比我中文的，差多了。但卻奇妙地，在英語世界得到的，從師長身上得到的賞識和鼓勵，卻遠遠超越我在中文世界曾得到的所有加起來的份量。
某方面，也可以說是一份諷刺吧，我也懶得把它翻回中文了。但我仍然很想，把那個一瞬記下來。
很有趣的是，我中文小說第一篇講的是情愛，但多年後第一篇英文小說，講的卻是生命，死亡，還有真理和活著的意義。
看到自己改變得如此地多，某方面也是很有趣的。
Identity
What is a dream? To many, it is something happens in the night; To me, it seems more like an alternative reality. The word “dream” is often related to the experiences that are unreal, weird or imaginative. However, almost all of my dreams are so normal, so common that it is not easy to distinguish them from the true world. More than once I looked at the sky in my dreams and thought “Oh, it is so beautiful and when will my dream end? I don’t want it to end.”
In dreams, I see people too. It is not like they are flying in the sky or doing something very crazy. They just live in there and have a normal life. As I walk the streets in dreams, I see people living and acting as people do in the real world. They open shops, chat with other, walk to work. It makes me wondered if there is another reality on another side of world. If I had a choice, which side would I want to live on? If there is a line between dream and reality, my line is thin and blurred.
I love reading science fictions. I once read an interesting idea on alternative reality. It said whenever we make an important choice in our life, the world divides in two: the real one in which we do (or don’t do) something and the alternative one which shows what would have been if we had chosen another way. We make countless choices in our lives, so there could be countless worlds in this universe too.
I once had a dream which I still remember clearly today. I dreamed I was wandering around my old primary school. Everywhere was so quiet. I walked lonely along the hallway. As I touched a side wall nostalgically, I immediately realized it had to be a dream because it was so old and because it was located, unfortunately, somewhere those rich businessmen decided to built a bunch of expensive commercial buildings. It was brought down to ruins real quick. If there is a god dictating everything in this flourishing urban city, obviously he doesn’t like old buildings very much. Yesterdays the school was there; next day it was gone. I think in reality it is a very prosperous place now, but I am not sure since I have never been there again after the school was destroyed. Maybe I just want to keep it in my memory as it was, not as it is now.
“Why? Why am I here?” I asked myself. I looked around but no one was there. It was as if I was the only one in the entire building. I shouted and opened every classroom’s door but saw nobody. At last I gave up, sitting at the courtside of an empty basketball playground, wondering “Why do I have such a strange dream?” I put my hand into the pocket of my pants, and found something there. It was a little book.
I opened it. It looked like a passport or something. It had my photo in it. Suddenly I recalled why I was here now. I was a time-traveler. In the Future, people finally found a way to go back to the time of past days and I was one of them, or should I call myself as time-tourist?
I, just like most people in the world, have many regrets. Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda. It sounded childish but I wanted to go back to the time of starting and to change everything. So I used the time machine and I was here now.
Then I went to the library of the school right away. I knew too well where I would have been when I was young. I opened the door quietly, and then I saw myself.
He was sitting at the far side of the room, reading a book. He was totally unaware of my presence.
Well, he has to be me. He has big glasses on his face as I did. And his haircut it looks so stupid, he just has to be me. Haha.
I looked at him sympathetically. I knew when I was a little child as he is now, I had nothing but books. Unlike today, as a child I still wanted to hide the fact that I had no friends and I was lonely. And one of the best ways doing it was by reading books. When you are reading books after school, it perfectly hides the situation that no one wanted to invite you to join them to play basketball or something.
Anyway, I was going to give him some valuable advice and thus my past would be changed accordingly. How clever I am!
I knocked the door and cleared my throat. He looked at me as I came to his chair.
“Who are you?” He asked.
Hmm, how could I explain everything? Time-travelers and back to the past and everything.
Before I said anything, he went on, “Oh, you must be me. You look like me. You come from the future, don’t you?”
“How do you know that?” I was surprised.
“Because I have met some others today already, right before you came.”
How come? Is that in the future beyond my time, those of me who came here with the same purpose as mine?
“What did they say?”
“Well, they came in one by one, and spoke lengthily. I can’t remember well. But the main ideas are the same: Do what they want, and don’t listen to anybody but only them.”
“What do you mean?”
“They said, whatever any of us said was worthless, you should only listen to me only.”
Well, it seemed I still would have an unhappy and conflicted life in the future.
“And, what are you going to advise me now?” He smiled. “I want to listen too, though I suspect you are cleverer than me in some ways.”
......An arrogant child. Will I be arrested for child abuse if I punch him, he who shares the same identity as me?
“Ok, my little brother, listen.”I took a deep breath, “I want you......”
“No, don’t listen to him.”Suddenly a voice came from the door behind me. I turned back and saw someone I half expected.
He was a man in an expensive business suit. He seemed older than me. He wore glasses in a way that he looks like somebody important coming from a large company.
“Whatever he says is not going to be worth a dime.”He said angrily. “He ruined his life and now he wants to ruin my past too? No way!”
Oh come on. Who does he think he is?
“Listen, you should do one thing and one thing only” He went on. “Study hard. Then go to one of those elite universities like Harvard. After you graduate, go to a fortune 100 company and everything will be settled.”
“But actually you said three things, not one thing.”My little brother pointed out.
The White-collar blushed a little, insisting, “Just obey what I said and do it accordingly.”
“Wait a minute,” I broke into the conversation, “It looks like you have gotten what you wanted. Why did you still come back to the past and instruct this little kid?”
His face turned white, then red again, and said embarrassingly, “I never made it.”
“Never made what?”
“Harvard.” His voice was so low, like whispering to himself.
He spoke bitterly as his voice raised quite a bit, “I didn’t study hard. I couldn’t get in. And in the company there is a fat guy who keeps throwing insults to me and he came from Harvard!! Do you know how bad I feel??”
Oh, man. You are using this little child.
“Please, study hard. “He went in and shook my little brother’s shoulders, “Listen to me. Study hard!! Go to Harvard! Then my......our lives will be changed!”
“No, he is stupid. Don’t listen to him.” a voice came from the door.
Another one?
As we looked to the door, there was a guy holding a basketball at his waist. He wore basketball shorts. He looked very agile and well-built.
“I know this guy’s future. I went there and saw it.”His finger pointed to the white-collar. “His company went bankrupt in fifteen years and everything he tried to build up was gone.”
“You lie!”The white-collar shouted angrily.
“My little one, you should use all of your time playing basketball.”The basketball player ignored him, talking to the little brother directly, “You know what, you are talented. If you work hard, you can go to NBA one day.”
“Really?”My little brother sounded surprised.
“Yes, you are gifted. And you can make millions and millions of dollars. Don’t be that fool.” He nodded.
“Oh, did you go to NBA then?” White-collar fought back.
The basketball player blushed too. He said, ”Well, I......I almost did.”
“Should I take your answer as NO?” White-collar taunted. “You are not better than me. You have unfulfilled dreams as I do and you have come back to the past and want to change it as well.”
“I am still better than who you are! You are just a worker-ant in the eyes of your CEO!” They argued hotly.
Well, I want to leave.
As I moved to the door, I saw a middle-age man. His head was half bald and he wore common clothes. I still could see some similarities between him and me.
Oh, no. Am I going to be bald one day?
“Fools! You two stop!” He shouted, “You both are fools!”
They stopped.
“You, “He pointed to White-Collar, “You got into another large company in Manhattan eventually. However, terrorists flew another plane and it went right into your office. You will die horribly. You are gone, worthless.”
“And you,” The middle-age man pointed to the basketball player, “You will break your leg in a car accident and will never play basketball again. You won’t want to face it and will get drunk every day. At the end of the day, you will be a beggar. You are gone and worthless as he is!”
Both of them were silent.
“But, my little child, there are still hopes.”He talked to little brother softly, “There is only one thing you can depend on. Do you know what it is?”
Maybe He wasn’t patient enough to wait for the reply, or maybe he didn’t intend to give any chance to other to speak together, He went on. “It is money. Money talks and everyone listens. Why do you want your life to depend on those meager salaries when you can earn your own money right away?”
“Huh......I don’t get it.” My little brother looked confused.
“Listen to me,” He put up two fingers, “remember them deeply. I only say them once. Buy Microsoft, and don’t buy General Motors: because it will go bankrupt in thirty years.”
“Micro......soft? What is that?”
“Just remember it. You will know one day. When this company emerges in the stock market, buy it! Buy it with all the money you have! And all the money your mother and father have!! Convince them as best you can! Buy it!! I promise you won’t regret it.”
Oh, no. You are telling a kid to forget everything and just buy a stock you want him to?
“No, you will regret it.” A voice seemed to be coming from a very old man.
I turned around and saw someone in his 80 or so near the door. He was holding a crutch and walking with difficultly to the child. He shook his head slowly.
“In fifty years, the whole world will come into a big war again. WWIII. They will use weapons they shouldn’t have invented, made, and used. The whole earth will be in nuclear winter and almost everyone will die.” He smiled in a way like he cried, “At the time, what is the use of those worthless papers we once called money?”
He was patting the child’s shoulder gently, “In the end, I realize we should do one thing only.”
“What is it?”
“Dig a hole behind your house,” He spoke it very seriously “Dig it as deep as you can. Use all of your money to buy food, as much as you can. Got it?”
“I still can’t understand. Can you repeat?”The child asked hesitantly.
“My little fool, all the meaning of life is to dig a hole as big as you can and stuff all the food into it!” He suddenly got annoyed.
Oh, no. I think I can’t stand it anymore.
They started to argue with each other. Shouts, curses and insults were flying around. I left quietly and slipped out the door. The weather was cold. When the wind blew on my face, my head got a little bit clear.
Before I came here, I thought I had known what I wanted to tell to the past of myself. But now I was not so sure.
I walked lonely back to the courtside of the basketball playground, sitting there, wondering about life was so simple when I was young. When did everything change and get complicated far beyond comprehension? When my sight returned, I saw the child. He was following me.
“Why? Why did you follow me?”I asked, smiling.
“Well, I don’t know. Maybe I just want to hear what you are going to tell me?” he looked around, avoiding eye contact.
“Me?”I shook my head. “Maybe I have nothing to tell you.”
“Why?”
“After listening to them, I realize maybe I am not wise enough to say anything. What is life? I don’t know either.” I said.
“It turned out I walked on a path maybe inferior to any of them. I study in a small, local university. I don’t foresee I will get super-rich one day. I am not very athletic either; I gave up basketball a long time ago.
You know what? The only thing I know is I know nothing.”
“Socrates.”The child said.
“Yeah, you got it.” I shook my head again, smiling, “We never looked like an eleven year old boy when we were really eleven. I once had, and you still have, a promising future.”
I went on, “Years passed. And I finally realized I am not cleverer, I am not wiser. I can just die in the street like those people I knew.
I just want you to decide your own future.” I shrugged. “I don’t want to be as ugly as they are. We all have had our lives and our fun already and it is time for you to have yours too.”
He sat beside me, “You don’t look like a bad man.”
“I don’t know.”I put my arm around his shoulders, looking at the sky. It is so blue and clear. “I once wished I could have a little brother like you. If I really had one, the only things I could have done for him was not let others pressure him. You should be what you want to be.”
“However, even though I can’t tell you what you should be, I still can tell you what you shouldn’t.”
“What is that?”
“Don’t overuse your cleverness. Do you know Sima Qian?”
“I have heard his name but don’t know much about him.”
“He is the greatest historian in China. You can say he was the eastern version of Thucydides.”
“Who is Thucydides?”
“Nevermind. You will know one day. His book, Records of the Grand Historian, once described the famous tyrant Zhou Wang in a very interesting way.”
“What did he say?”
“He said Zhou Wang was ‘a man eloquent enough to cover up his sins and intelligent enough to conceal his wrongdoing.’
If you are using your cleverness in a wrong way, it will only be more harmful to your life than if you were not smart at all.
Your cleverness can get your far; but only your character will keep you there.”
“You talk like an old man.”The child chuckled.
“Oh yeah, maybe I am.”I conceded, smiling. “At the end of the day, I can’t give you any advice more than my.......our mother did already. Just listen to her. Even though she is not clever as we are, she knows the right way of life.
By the way, you don’t like those old teachings, do you?”
“Sometimes.” The child replied.
“I know you don’t, because I once was you. I thought now it is 20th or 21st century, so do I still have to listen to that so-called wisdom of those who died long ago?
But I tell you what. If something is old, it actually means it could last the test of time; and if something can last, it must have some truth in it. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Okay, I have nothing to advise you anymore. You can have your way. Hopefully you will have brighter future then all we had. It is my time to leave now.”
I stood up, smiling embarrassingly “Hope you don’t mind that I talked like an old man. After all, I am closer to the ultimate death then you are.”
“No, that is the only thing you got completely wrong today.” He suddenly said so, smiling in a very strange way.
“What do you mean?”
“The part about the ultimate death.”
“What do......I can’t understand.” I was confused.
“Do you know who I am?”The child asked.
“You are me, aren’t you? Did I get the wrong person?”
“Yes, I am you. But at the same time I am a time-traveler too, just as those four people we have met.”
“What the......”
“It is your dream. You haven’t forgotten it, have you? We all came here to see you. Since I am the youngest one, you all misunderstood me as the resident of this time frame.” The child spoke slowly. “Indeed, I am not.”
“You mean I am in a dream?”
“Yes, exactly. You will wake up five minutes from now and you will be late to you class again. So time is short and I have to tell you something before the dream is over.”
“First thing first, who are you?”
“As I said so, I am a time-traveler.” He went on, “One main difference is, they all came from the future; I came from the past. But the purpose is the same that I want to give you my advice too.”
“I just couldn’t understand. When I was young there was no time machine!”
“No, we didn’t have them. But I am different.” The child saw through my eyes.”I am dead.”
“Dead?”
“Yes, dead. I got hit by a bus when I was on my way to school. I died instantly. Then the world divided into two versions: one in where you died, and one in where you didn’t.”
“How come......”
“As a ghost I can go anywhere. I am happy to see that at least one of us can get something half right eventually.” He smiled.
“I......I am sorry that you are dead.”
“Sorry? You don’t have to be, my big brother, since you will join me in the end.” He wagged his finger, “But that is not why I am here. I am here because I want to give you the ultimate advice.”
“Ultimate......advice?” He made me curious.
“Yes, one which will dwarf all of the other advice.”
“Nah. It isn’t such thing in this world.” I was in disbelief.
“No, you should listen to me. There really is one. Everything starts from it and will end at it. I used my entire life to understand it. I thought about it for a long time. In the end I finally understood what is the most important wisdom in this world. And now, I want to share it with you.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“Are you ready?”
“I am ready.”I nodded.
He got close to my ear, and whispered it in a very low voice.
“Look to your left before you cross a road.”
.......
We couldn’t control ourselves but burst into laughter at the same time.
More......
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